


i'm not a mess unless you can see the scars

by directionone



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Lesbian Vilde Lien Hellerud, Lesbianism, Medication, Therapy, Vilde centric, basically Vilde is too young to deal with everything, basically the entire girl squad is mentioned, but i wont tag them because its minor, mentions of eating disorders, she needs help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 02:31:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21111221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/directionone/pseuds/directionone
Summary: Vilde has always known who she should be, thin, popular and boy obsessed. She does everything she can to make that who she is, she never has people over, eats less and loses her virginity to the most popular guy in school but it doesn't work. She still cries herself to sleep almost every night, the anxiety becoming unbearable. In the end she can't avoid it anymore, she needs help.Or- the fic where Vilde finally gets some well deserved therapy.





	i'm not a mess unless you can see the scars

**Author's Note:**

> So this started as me mourning the build up that was Vildes characterization, the build up of constant talk about Vildes homelife and her only being turned on by Eva. I really wish Vilde could have been closer to Sana in s4 so that we could have seen Vilde getting called out on her islamophobia and maybe Julie could have tied Vildes storyline up neater without taking focus from Sana. But as we all know s4 was what s4 was so this is a little drabble about everything Vilde seems to deal with especially in the earlier seasons of the show. 
> 
> The title is from the song walls by Ruben!!

Vildes psychologist is an older woman by the name of Mona who always wears different lusekoftor and birkenstocks, she has an accent Vilde couldn’t place until Mona told Vilde she was swedish. She had moved to Norway for love a long time ago and never regretted it. Vilde sees her once a week, every monday at 8, it fits perfectly with her schedule so she doesn’t have any excuse to not go even if she really wished she did sometimes. They talk about everything, sometimes just about how Vilde is feeling that day, sometimes about how she feels like she can’t ever ever rest without being like her mom who sleeps 17 hours of the day or how the stress of constantly having to worry about bills has affected her. At other times they talk about how William telling her she wasn’t pretty enough was a catalyst in her eating disorder and how to deal with that thought. Vilde really starts to feel she can tell Mona everything and there’s one single terrifying thought that takes up the most space.

The clinic has pride flags around in the reception and Mona had a sticker on her door of a rainbow heart. It’s another monday at eight, in the middle of her second year at high school, when Vilde admits the most terrifying thought she has ever had. “I think maybe i wasn’t attracted to William, it was just that who wouldn’t go after the most popular guy in school right?” and Mona knows Vilde so well by now that she doesn’t try to interrupt before Vilde has got it all off her chest. Vilde tells her all about kissing Eva, about the fire in her stomach when Noora brought her food or defended her against William, skirting across the words like gay or lesbian but she still feels understood. She closes the door after her and she feels like she’s lighter than she’s ever been, the feeling of guilt isn’t there right now and she delights in it. Mona is going to be so proud of her when she tells her that she managed to not even feel the need to participate in any of her self punishing behaviors.

Vilde has medication for her really bad days, she has made sure her mom takes everything from anti-depressants to antipsychotic medication enough times that it stings a little. Her goals has always been simple, don’t let other people see what is going on at home and never ever end up like mom. Accepting medication feels like a failure, she’s not strong enough to do it herself anymore she thinks. Depression and anxiety are both more or less genetic disorders, she’s read every article on that she can find. In the end though, after a few smart chosen words from Mona about how her and her mother are different people, she’s very happy she has them. They make her anxiety manageable when she can’t do it by herself.

Leaving the clinic every monday at 9 is a fantastic feeling, she’s learning how to deal with her demons. How to be _Vilde_ instead of the Vilde she thinks she has to be to be liked. How to eat with less guilty, how to dare ask for help when her mother is feeling worse. She eventually tells the girls about her mother when they’re having a sleepover at Eva’s and it’s just so easy once she’s opened up, Mona’s words in the back of her head, to open up about being a lesbian and about never feeling good enough. Sana is the first one who says anything when Vilde finishes, “Vilde you are so strong-” she doesn’t get to finish her train of thought before Chris jumps her with a hug and the other girls have no choice but joining in the group hug. Vilde has never felt better, she doesn’t regret one second of her meetings with Mona, of her _therapy_.

**Author's Note:**

> So! Skam really did leave a huge impression on me as a scandinavian teen in our version of high school in 2016 and it meant a lot to me. I'm a lesbian and i've grown up with a single mother who suffers from several illnesses and one of those is depression. I really see myself in Vildes story a lot, the calculation and stress that comes with maintaining a self image like she does and I simply wanted to give her some help that I got. I will forever mourn that Vilde never got to speak her mind simply because I have never seen myself in a character like this and if I wasn't already pretty confident in my gayness maybe I would have assumed that my Magnus is out there, that I could be straight if i really tried. Vilde honestly deserved a lot more, she was just sixteen years old for gods sake. I know that Vilde can be really insenstive in the show and she does say a lot of offensive things which i didn't deal with in this fic. Mostly because I wanted to keep it pretty short but I also want it to be known that I'm not trying to take away that part of Vildes character and if I end up writing more about her I would like to deal with that.


End file.
